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by Colin Jost

JANUARY 28, 2013

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I will be out of the office beginning Friday, January 25th, at 1:15 (P.S.T.), and will return on Monday, February 4th, at 3:47 (Hawaiian-Aleutian Standard Time).

During that period, I will have limited access to e-mail. Meaning that I will have full access to e-mail. I will continue to read my e-mail as though I were sitting in my office, but I will be “out” of the office. Meaning there will be no difference. Also, I will probably Read more: be in the office a bunch.

I will have sporadic access to my cell phone. This is either because I am floating down the Amazon on a handmade raft or, more likely, because I am lying on my couch, staring at my cell phone and willing myself not to check it for at least fifteen minutes.

I will have extremely limited access to pay phones. I forgot to bring quarters, and the last calling card I owned expired in 1998. Also, most pay phones are now public urinals.

I will have standard access to telegrams. I’m not really Read more: sure where telegrams are at these days, but if you send one I’m sure the guy will find me. Tell him to try the office.

I will be checking my “snail mail” infrequently. “Snail mail” is a funny term I use to describe the U.S. Postal Service, because it delivers mail the way a snail would (reliably, in two to three days).

I will have almost zero access to carrier pigeons. This is less a function of my vacation and more a function of the year I was born. No one ever taught me how to use a carrier Read more: pigeon. (Where does one affix the message? Does one whisper the destination into the pigeon’s ear? Do pigeons have “ears”? Etc.)

I will have unpredictable access to messages in bottles. If you are trapped on a faraway island in the Pacific, the odds are that your bottle will not reach my office until after February 4th, at which point I will be “in” the office and can radio the nearest vessel for help. But if you are trapped on a nearby island, like the traffic island across the street from my office, please do not Read more: throw a bottle at my window. It will only disturb my vacation/nap.

I will NOT be checking my landline, which is a can attached to a string. I will be too busy digging a tunnel from my basement to my best friend’s basement.

I will have only intermittent access to Instagram. If you desperately need to show me a picture of the meal you just ate, please print a copy and mail it to:

I’m on Vacation

Attn: Gregory Campbell

c/o: My Regular Office, Where I Am

I will have erratic access to AOL chat rooms. Should you enter “BIG FILIPINO Read more: GALS OVER 50,” you may see my user name briefly, then it may disappear, as though I had seen your user name and fled the chat room. Wrong. It has to do with a family vacation I’m on.

I will have fitful access to my memories. That is why I may ignore you when you pass me on the street and yell, “Hey, Greg! It’s me, one of your valued clients!” Again, this relates to a memory problem and has nothing to do with the heavyset, middle-aged Filipino gal on my arm.

While on Read more: vacation, I will not be doing that thing where I wish someone a happy birthday by having an Indian man call and rap a happy-birthday song. My assistant will be doing that for me. Unfortunately, the Indian man is also “out of the office,” so the rapper will be a Romanian teen-ager. Happy birthday.

I will have no access to my children. A judge ruled that I should be “on vacation” from them. (My phrasing.)

And I will have constant access to Spotify. That is less informative and more of a brag.

Finally, I’m sure this goes Read more: without saying, but if you’re really rich or really famous, I am instantly available 24/7. Just yell.

The rest of you, please do not respond to this e-mail, or Google will flag it as “Urgent”—on a par with my Fresh Direct order confirmation and a Paperless Post about my sister adopting a Blasian baby.

All my best,


The G-Man ♦

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